This is the week of Thanksgiving in the US, and it seemed like an appropriate time to write a bit about gratitude. I try very hard to focus on the positive and to be conscious and thankful for all the good stuff in my life, and I’m not saying it’s always easy, but then so little of anything worth doing is easy. Since this is my SL blog, I’m going to focus on things related to SL for which I’m thankful even though I honestly haven’t been around nearly as much since the World of Warcraft expansion was released.

1. Friends! This one is obvious really. Friends are the reason why many of us keep coming back to SL. From the friends who are more like family now to the people I barely know but am getting to know better, I’m so grateful for all of you.

2. Flickr and Plurk. This is related to friends, and truly everything on this list could fall under that big heading of friends, but these two communities in particular have filled in the gaps when I’m not around SL as much. They’ve encouraged me to share more and to get to know more people who make SL such a fun place.

3. Shine. From the original encouragement from Kavar to even start Shine to all the support from people who buy from Shine, it has been such a gift to me. It’s opened me up to all kinds of possibilities and has served almost like a gateway drug for me to always be working on new tricks for making the eyes and to try creating a wide range of other things too. It’s been so amazing for my creativity and just my general confidence.

4. Ivy Falls. I’m a homebody in so many ways, and I guess that’s part of the reason why having a home in SL means so much to me. I have a place in SL where I feel like I’ll always belong, and that’s a gift beyond words. It’s that place where I can hang my hat and enjoy some pretty furniture and photos, and beyond my own castle, I get to take advantage of all the great things brought to the sim by others who live and work there. My closest friends live next door, and my favorite shop is across the river, and there’s always an event of some sort. Right now, I’m just in love with the snow everywhere and looking forward to decorating for Christmas.

5. Kavar. He falls under that friends item of course, but he deserves his own spot too. I spend so much of my SL time either hanging out in his workshop or exploring places with him, and even when I’m not in SL, if we’re both online, then we’re usually chatting in one place or another. He’s gone from my favorite SL hair designer to my SL bff to a friend I can’t imagine any life without.

Sometimes SL makes me want to pull out my hair with all of its lag, missing inventory, asset server issues, bugs, and general drama, but at the same time, it’s enriched my life in so many small and big ways.

Participating in the SL Bloggers Mix and Match was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed reading everyone’s posts. It’s fun to see what people come up when they’re given random topics that may or may not be within their normal sphere of writing. So many people mentioned their first days in SL as they were writing that it made me a bit nostalgic. I’ve realized that I actually don’t remember much of those first days even with starting this blog within 6 months of signing up for SL and having my Flickr stream dating back to earlier than that. It’s definitely been a fun evolution for me, and although I might not remember every detail now, I know each person and experience has played a part in shaping me. Thank you!

All this thinking about my journey through SL probably has a bit to do with the time of year too. It just seems like a great time to bundle up with a cup of coffee and do a little thinking and writing and having heart-to-hearts with my favorite people. Ivy Falls is deep in winter mode now, and I just happened to be around as Kere started the decorating so I grabbed a few photos of the early stages. It’s much more snowy now, and once I tear myself away from my death knight in World of Warcraft, I’m sure I’ll have lots more shots there. Maybe I’ll even be able to drag one or two of the people reading this over to the cafe to enjoy some coffee with me while we people watch. Let’s find some peace in SL and share it.

Maybe it’s the time of year, the weather, the week I spent away from SL, or just my usual overthinking, but I keep coming back to trying to figure out my purpose in SL lately. I don’t want to make it a bigger deal than it is, but it’s been on my mind so much that I figured I should at least post some of my thoughts and see if that helps anything come together. I guess this is the intro to another of my 15-minute off-the-cuff posts. Stream of consciousness for the win!

Basically, I like to dabble and explore. I enjoy documenting all of that with blog posts and screenshots, and I like setting up special shots to convey a feeling or capture a moment. Spending time with my friends is always great, but I also like time to myself either working on projects or simply shopping or walking around an area. Concerts are a lot of fun, and I’ve been trying to branch out and hear more new people as well as going back to my favorites like Keiko.

I’m so not a Photoshop guru, but I like playing there and working on new eyes and even trying my hand at textures for the things I’ve been building like the sculpted prim photo props I’ve been playing with in various programs and the big photo prop builds like the huge jewelry box I never mentioned for some reason but used as the stage for some ballerina/doll photos and the small items I’ve been creating for friends and family as gifts here and there. The props would be even more fun with custom poses/animations, so yeah, I’ve been giving that a whirl again, and then on top of that, some components would be great if they were scripted for this or that, so there’s some scripting love going on too. And of course, it’s SL, so there’s shopping and putting together outfits.

There’s no one thing that’s my thing, and I’m bothered by that for some reason. I put too much pressure on myself to be productive when in reality SL is my place where I can just be. I can create if I want. I can dance if I want. I can explore and shop and take photos if I want. I can just dress up and hang out in the sky with my best friend and chat if I want.

So what do I want to do? A little bit of everything, I guess, and there’s nothing wrong with that, and I don’t even have to be good at it. I don’t have to be anything. That’s the key. I like having Shine and selling eyes there and maybe even selling some of the other little odds and ends I’ve been making and will continue to make, but selling and marketing myself is never going to be my emphasis. It’s not who I am, and it’s not what my SL experience needs to be no matter how much some weird voice in my head tries to make me feel bad about that.

I think that brings us back to the way of the awesome all over again. What awesome thing do I want to do today? I want to just be me and not beat myself up for it. Funny how SL really brings me to the big lesson. Like I’ve always said, I’m just me wherever you meet me. Thanks for being with me on the journey.

After a week away from SL, I’m finding I have even less tolerance for people who ooze negativity or who play pretend when it comes to their supposed friendships. There must be something in the air because I see people on Plurk talking about not signing in because they want to avoid someone on their friends list or asking if others have people that they can’t stand but still need to be around. It’s insane to allow someone else that much control over your personal time, but yet I understand because I’ve done it too.

I think some people misinterpret my quietness as acceptance, so maybe I need to just be a little louder and a little less resistant to indulging in conflict when it’s brought right to my feet. I guess I’ve just always figured that kind of thing wasn’t worth my time. Why wallow in the mud with the pigs when you end up feeling dirty and the pigs just enjoy it?

And honestly, I know my approach probably isn’t going to change any time soon and that I’m not going to start calling people out. It’s not my style. I am, however, going to keep on doing what I want when I want, and if that happens to bother a few people along the way, then I might take a bit more enjoyment from that than I normally would. I’m me – flawed and imperfect but still striving for the best, able to forgive but resistant to forgetting, quiet but stronger than you think. Those of you who approach me with honesty and respect get the same in return, and those who choose not to do that can stop wasting our time.

I’m back! My trip was just what I needed, but I still missed you guys! I really needed a break and quiet time with some of the most important people in my life, and I got just that. Now my mind seems a little clearer, and maybe I’ll have more interest in finishing up a few projects that have been lingering around.

For now though, I’m just enjoying being back in SL with my friends and hanging out with all of you. I was really happy to spend some time wandering around with my friend Helena in the Magic of Oz sim hunting slippers. Maybe I’ll be able to drag my mom over there soon too. Yes, I’ve brought my mom in to SL finally. So far, she’s only been in long enough to meet Kavar, but I’m hoping we can entice her back soon. I’m working on her.

I was also super thrilled to have Achariya ask me to put together a Halloween look for her blog. You can see my screens and her words in Decrepit Dolly. Getting that together for her and seeing what she thought about it was a lot of fun, and I loved the line “Brandy is known by her Exile hair” because honestly I don’t think I could ask for a better signature for my look. More importantly though I couldn’t ask for a better friend than Kavar. The fact that he makes my favorite hair is just icing on an already delicious cake.

After being told that I think too much when I start writing blog posts, I’ve decided that this post is just going to be whatever I write in 15 minutes. I think that’s about as long as I’ll be able to put a muzzle on my internal critic before she manages to get free. For every post that actually makes it to the blog, there are probably 2-3 more that were considered but ultimately deemed not important enough. It would be one thing to decide that I didn’t want to share a certain topic, but those posts are usually rejected simply because my internal critic bleeds all over them with her red pen before they even see the light of day.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that behavior is pretty typical for me in so many facets of my life, and it’s stupid really. I say things to myself that I’d never say to another person and that would make me think very little of someone who said them to someone else. I deserve better than that. We all do. Now I’m not saying that we all need to be sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows all the time, but we can be kind to ourselves.

You have something to say but your post seems lame? That shirt you’re making isn’t quite up to your standards and you figure you’ll never do it better? Well, write that post and make that shirt or do whatever else it is you want to do and share it anyway. Maybe you’re the only one who will ever see value in it or maybe you’ll meet others who can help you try it differently or see it in a more positive light the way it is. It doesn’t really matter. It just matters that we keep attempting things and stretching ourselves. You’re worth it. I’m worth it. Let’s help each other remember that. It’s obviously something I continue to work on as you’ve seen me writing about it here before. I’m working for the day where the inner critic is just a little whisper when needed rather than a shout that drowns out all other thought.

Oh, and the photo with this post? It was a shot I did for an unprocessed Windlight contest at Koinup. I wasn’t convinced I liked it and almost didn’t bother entering the contest with it because of that. It won one of the runner-up prizes though and got some nice feedback. The whole experience was a good reminder of just what I’m trying to say here. We shouldn’t let our inner critics keep us hidden in the dark. There’s a whole world of light out there. Soak it up and let it bring out the light already in you.

In my SL profile, I mention that I’m generally quiet except for a select few who basically get to hear my entire brain just dumped out into text and/or voice without a filter. Lately though I’ve been thinking that the parts of those friendships that often mean the most to me are the times when we’re just quiet together. Quiet pauses can make me nervous with some people. I wonder what they’re thinking or if I seem boring or aloof or uninteresting, so my mind races ahead to try to come up with things to keep the conversation going. It stresses me out, and I know it’s all in my own head anyway.

Having friends with whom I can just be quiet and never feel that stress is a blessing. Sometimes we’re in the same space but working on separate projects and we’ll break the silence to show off or to see what the other person thinks. Other times, we’re just IMing and one or the other of us will wander away because of something in real life grabbing our attention, and it’s not a big deal. The conversation just picks up again later. Sure we have our times where it’s rapid-fire chatting, but those times where it’s kindred spirits quietly taking up some virtual space together are special to me. Even with all the things we can do in SL, simply sharing the quiet with someone else and knowing I’m not alone is sometimes exactly what I need.

And somewhat related to that, there are also people with whom I rarely exchange IMs because we each assume that the other must be busy with a million other things, and yet those people are some of the very ones I’d miss the most if I stopped seeing their names pop up in my friends list. I enjoy the talks we do share, but the quiet times in between are fine too. We’re always able to pick back up again wherever we left off last. They get that struggle I have sometimes when I feel lonely but don’t feel like being social.

Thank you for the quiet times because they speak volumes about how important you are to me.

“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” –Margaret Lee Runbeck

In a recent conversation with Kavar we started talking about gifts and talents, and I made the comment that I feel like I have gifts but that they tend to be quiet gifts that sometimes leave me feeling like I don’t really do much of importance. Although I don’t remember the exact wording of his reply, the take home point for me was “The trick is to know your gifts and value them for what they are”. It might not seem like a profound statement, but it smacked in the face in a good way, in a “wake up and smell the coffee already” kind of way.

The people who care about me care about me because of who I am, and I don’t think I’m in the minority when I say that there are people I’ve met through SL who know me better than just about anyone else anywhere. They know me, and they like me! And I trust their judgment, so I must be a valuable person even in those moments when I feel the most worthless. Worded that way, it’s harder for me to discount what I have to offer. Amazing how a little twist in perception can change everything.

We can say something so many times that it becomes our reality. “I can’t build.” “The clothes I try to make aren’t good enough.” “My store will never be much.” “Sure, I can make this kind of item, but if I can make that, then anyone can, so it’s nothing special.” Without even realizing it, our words can create barriers that we treat as reality, and they keep us from shining. They block us from seeing the possibilities around us, and they diminish our ability to achieve what we say we want.

I can struggle to create something and all along the way belittle every effort and just throw up my hands and say it’s because I have no talent. Or I can treat the struggle as an opportunity to learn and grow and then maybe even end up with a product that I can appreciate. A change in attitude certainly makes it all more enjoyable, and it’s also perfectly acceptable to just walk away if we discover the activity or the situation or whatever isn’t worth the effort any more. That doesn’t make any of us a failure, but it does make each of us someone who understands the value of time and wants to spend it in meaningful ways.

I don’t think of myself as a competitive person, but I do think there’s a certain culture of competition that focuses so intently on mistakes and criticism that we stifle our true voices. We fear making mistakes in front of people we admire, and we sometimes criticize ourselves in a laughing matter just to lessen the blow of the criticism we expect from others that may or may not ever come. What could we accomplish if we simply ran with what we have without the barriers we speak into existence? Isn’t that what SL excels at?

I collect quotations and various little anecdotes in notebooks, and I’ve done that for years. One of my favorites is attributed to Igor Stravinsky. A violinist approached him with concerns that a particular passage in his composition The Rite of Spring was practically impossible to perform. Stravinsky responded, “I don’t want the sound of someone playing the passage. I want the sound of someone trying to play it!” I’m thankful for all of you who encourage me to keep trying and to appreciate all my efforts as part of my journey of getting to know me, and I hope I can be the same kind of support for you. We’re all in this together.

In case anyone is curious, the title of this post comes from the song Shine by Cyndi Lauper. It’s one of my favorite songs ever, and I first heard it on the TV show Queer as Folk thanks to Kavar. And yes, it was the inspiration for the name of my SL business if you were wondering.

Most everyone reading this has probably already accurately pegged me as someone who thinks a little too much. I admit to it freely, and while it can sometimes be a very aggravating habit, it’s also part of what makes me who I am. I’ve learned that the trick for making it less of a negative for myself is to share those thoughts no matter how silly they might seem in the light of day. I do that mostly through talking with my friends and blogging. Lately, I keep coming back to who I am in SL and what I want to be, which is a recurring theme for myself and also in some of the blogs I read.

So who am I? Well, it’s not really a surprise, but I’m not one of those people to sweep into SL and become a well-known designer or artist as much as I admire those people’s skills. My blog is not going to be the darling of the SL blogging world, and honestly, I’m glad about that because performance anxiety would surely kill me dead if I thought a lot of people were reading these posts. I measure myself against these other people, and I always come up short.

I can spend days listing for you all the things that I’m not, but it’s not like that does me a lot of good. I’ve talked before about the way of the awesome and figuring out what will make SL awesome for you and then pursuing whatever that is, and I think I’m being reminded lately that me pursuing my personal brand of awesome isn’t always going to seem that awesome to other people and that that’s ok. Sometimes, my awesome is simply stepping back and realizing how lucky I am to have the friends that I have and the wonderful opportunities to explore gorgeous sims and take photos.

When I first started thinking about how I could follow the awesome in SL, I think I got a little too fixated on doing big grand things. That seems like such a silly fixation as I watch people buy and wear the eyes I make, use a script I wrote, or learn about a fun sim or a friend’s creations because of my blog and/or photos. We touch each other in ways that aren’t always obvious or even seen by us, and that’s awesome.

I’m sure there are more than a few people wandering across the grid to whom this could apply. I’m usually a day ahead of myself thanks to my Kiwi friends, and I often find myself converting SLT to their time before I bother thinking what time it is for me. My internal clock however seems to be around Alaska these days even though I make myself stay on the east coast for the weekdays at least. Weekends are fair game.